It has taken a hell lot of courage for me to accept this. Yes, I always feel that I am inferior to others. How and when this concept took root in me, I just can't pin point that, but there is an inner voice in me, which loves to be harsh with me. Whenever, I err or do something wrong, that voice chastises me more than necessary. I keep brooding over it for days and keep reinforcing the fact that I am inept and do not deserve what I have.
Whenever I become an observer and try to assess myself, I feel that I am extremely talented, am pretty good at what I do and whenever I've interacted with people for professional or personal reasons, more than enough number of times, I have come across people who remember me and for right reasons. My children adore me, my husband loves me, I'm appreciated at work, I get timely increments, I do my job with utmost honesty, I am sincere in duties towards my elders, but still that inner voice in me keeps me comparing with others and tries to ridicule my abilities.
Enough is enough, of late I have learned a new way to subvert that inner voice. Whenever, it tries to be nasty with me and becomes a mean critic, I become an observer to the situation. The situation can be as simple as--forgetting to pay the bill on time, getting stuck in a traffic jam, denting the car while reversing, scampering to meet the deadline and in all these situations I say a magic mantra to myself. Had Khushei been stuck in a similar situation and had been upset what would I say to her? Khushei is my elder daughter who has just turned nine. I would have said her, " Don't be upset over it, you did your best and anyway it's too trivial to be upset with."
With this mantra I have discovered that my doubting self gives way to a loving self that's ready to accept flaws. I am still struggling with it, but at least I have the courage to accept it.
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