I understand

Criticism--I feel that it's a quality that we all love to inculcate. Everywhere there is a mad rush to cut others short and there is no knife stronger than criticism to do this. Whenever we  are angry, upset or impatient we love to spill a few harsh words that are going to break hearts. Obviously, harsh words never killed anyone, but they do kill our spirit, our heart and our optimism. I can't say I don't criticise, certainly I do it too, at times out of the years of habit, but over all I have discovered that doing it is not the best way to get things changed. What criticism does? It traps you in a circumstance that you are trying to escape and don't want to happen. Accepting a situation is the best way to handle it because the energy that's spent in avoiding it can be very well used in accepting it. And when does acceptance begin? Just the point where resistance ends. Hence, when we say, "Why I get trash all the time? Why people are nasty to me? Why no one loves me? Why I have to put up with idiosyncratic bosses? Why I can't be organised even once?," we create patterns that's going to trap us and we will find those patterns continuously repeating in our lives.

And these patterns repeat because by our thoughts we invite them. I always believe in small miracles and they keep happening with me, because somewhere someone wants to reinstate my faith in my belief. I might hear you asking, how do I chuck criticism when people are so sloppy, ill-mannered around me. I have to tell them that they are not right and if I don't criticise, how am I going to do it.  

The answer is that we are so trapped in criticism that we believe this can help people improve. Had it been so there wouldn't have been any need to criticise, because if we look everyone is right in his/her circumstances. In fact, there are no wrong people there are just different circumstances. It's how you look at things, but we are so much in love with our own yardstick that we try to measure everyone against it. Can one size fit all? Can everyone wear your dress? Of course not, then how can your standards be right for everyone. The best instance of this is driving on highway--where anyone driving at a speed less than you is a moron and at a speed more than you is a maniac.

In order to leave criticism you got to be accepting of people and as they say charity begins at home. You have to learn to accept yourself and everything the way you do. Allow your inner heart to flower, which has diminished because of years of criticism that you've heard from your parents, teachers, family, spouse, friends or boss and each time when you heard it something died inside you because you felt that you were trying your level best and still you can't make others happy.

Stop judging yourself from others yardstick and stop judging others from your yardstick. Start from today with the words--I understand and see miracles happen around you and everywhere.

Five rules which should be thrown to the dustbin

Since I’ve started writing blogs the basic problem I confront is what to write when I open the page. So many thoughts keep jostling the whole day in my mind to find space on the blog, but the mind goes blank the moment I am striking keys of my computer. This time I though I will write a blog on Five overrated qualities that should be discarded immediately. Here I go (these don’t gel well with me but you are free to form your own opinion)




MULTITASKING



Since I am a learning to quieten my hyperactive mind, I often withness the way it goes about. The moment I am at a task, my mind will immediately inform me of a pending job and I would leave the task at hand to do the pending job. While I am at it there would be another job that would flash in my mind and immediately I will drop the task at hand to do something else. This process goes on for an hour and at the end of it I am having five unfinished tasks at hand wondering why I am not good at doing things, and where did the time fly?Actually, there are researches to prove that when you multitask your efficiency goes down and most of the times you end up with a job that’s not up to the mark. Still, multitasking is regarded as a coveted virtue.



SLEEP LESS



Same is the case with sleeping less. In fact, it’s often worn as badge of honour as the person sleeping less is supposed to be accomplishing more in his every day life. I clock in my seven to eight hours of sleep everyday but I never disclose this to my friends because most of them are sleep deprived and I could smell jealousy when I speak that I am sleep satisfied.



WORK HARD



When I was a kid I would often hear my dad say that he earned money by the sweat of his brow. My dad was a banker and I would wonder why couldn’t he get the fan fixed so he doesn’t have to sweat so much. We are taught that we should work hard. But somehow with the adjective hard I can sense an element of pain like you’re doing something that you are not relishing. We should insist on working smart not working hard. Moreover, enjoying what you do is more important because then it's no longer work. When I introspect I feel that if I’m able to drive I’ll go to work because I enjoy what I’m doing.



LOYALTY



I just hate this word. Loyalty belongs to the British era because this word subjugates your mind and you are made to do something that you don’t like. Any relationship should thrive on love and affection. There is no greater force than love but loyalty is like chaining you to something that stinks. I would like to have an attitude of gratitude but not loyalty.



YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO



I always feel like asking why can’t I? Since ages we have been tutored into believing that life is all about compromise, to get some you lose some, but life is generous, giving and nourishing. Find hard to believe! At first even I did thinking that I am underpaid and overworked that how can life be generous? Life works on a separate philosophy which is it gives you more if you trust it and to do that you’ve to thank it for what it has given you. But when you say I don’t, it mirrors your belief in life and you actually don’t get. Getting slightly complicated… Actually, even I am in the process of deciphering it.

New set of rules for life

 

Whereever you go or whatever you do you're are handed a guide book that helps you learn the skills fast, but life. Isn't it strange that life comes with no rules and guidebooks. We got to make our own. However, the way we view life is usually through the lenses that our parents, friends, spouse or family has given us. What does this imply? You are living your life through a set of rules which are not your. And you want your life to yield results as per your expectations. Just think, can a typewriter function as good as computer. You would even find the query silly, then how can� you live a life king size with rules borrowed from someone else? You got to create your own rules and debunk the ones that� have been handed down to you.

 

Life is simple. You got to give what you want to receive. It moves in circles. And there are no wrong people in life, there are just wrong circumstances and these people are victim of those circumstances.

 

I have set rules for my life and they are as follows--

 

 

1. I will approve myself. I will no longer be my worst critic.
2. I will thank God for his blessings. There are many people who would like to trade place with me.
3. I will not dwell on what I don't t have. This way I send out negative vibes in the atmosphere.
4. When God created me he had a purpose in mind. He loves me and is there to help me around. I will feel his grace and love all the time.
5. I will develop an attitude of gratitude.
6. I will be generous with people and this includes--a smile, a generous remark, and simple things like Thank You and Please to everyone.
7. I will do one thing at a time and dwell in the moment.
8. I will try to forgive and forget past, because anger hurts only me, no one else.
9. I will appreciate my body which tries to help me all the time, just the way it is.
10. I will keep an open mind and allow it to absorb new ideas, principles and thoughts.
11. I will believe in miracles.
12. I will trust in God.

I will fumble and make mistakes while learning new rules and allow it to happen as a part of the process of learning, because I am doing my best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meanderings of human mind

Since my days are not as hectic at work as it used to be, I have picked up habits of successful people that is going for long walks, brooding internally for the last four or five months and these days I am into meditation.

When you go for chanting, mentally you are chanting but when the outer cacophony of noises subside you can actually hear the inner turmoil which is if not less then equal to the outer cacophony. It's like being stuck on a jammed road where everyone is honking or you are there at sea shore and there are waves and waves coming.

You can then feel that your mind tries a lot to dictate you, it has a reservoir of memories which it can pull at an instant and then it will tell you how to react. Basically, we all have an interfering mind and it interferes a lot with our happiness by dictating how to react when. I always wonder that when the human beings intrinsic nature is to be happy why attaining happiness became dependent on stimulus which is always short lived. A stimulus can be a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger bank balance, prettier you (plastic surgery), better behaved children, outstanding results of kids and so on and so forth. If you pause to ponder you will realise that all these achievements as we label them are so short lived and once you are through with them you are in hunt of another stimulus to keep yourself happy and the process goes on. In this hunt of happiness, we mostly accumulate unhappiness because when you are in the process of collecting possessions you might succeed you might not!

But I began with how mind reacts during meditation. I sat with my eyes clammed shut and my mind will speak--Last night the curry the maid cooked was not right, she hasn't learned a bit to be moderate with salt. And, YOU have warned her so many times. Hush! I say, Here I am into meditation and you are thinking of salt in the curry. The mind will persist, But, You know so much salt is not good for your husband, he has high blood pressure. I say, I know but I'll think about when I am through with meditation. Now can we please go back to the meditation. And then I start focussing on my heart beat. There will be complete silence of 5 -10 seconds before mind pops up a question. Since it's hard to rein in the mind, I give in.....

A prayer

There is a blog I follow called Insight. I read something interesting there and it caught my attention. The blog says that prayer should be the steering wheel of our life. Instead we have made it the spare tyre that we use when we are in crisis.

How true? May be that's the reason why we encounter troubles. In the mainstream of life, which usually whizzes by in moments that are hard to fathom and details not needed mostly, we skip on the essence which is connecting to the Almighty. Have you felt the super charged atmosphere of prayer? And this feeling evades religious boundaries. I connect to Almighty in a Sufi song, in a bhajan or in a simple prayer. But somehow I am not able to bind my prayers in a format. I find it stale. My prayers are conversational and I talk to God as my creator. Somehow I feel that serving humanity is also a prayer

Being Happy

There is so much talk on optimism, but somehow I feel that the world belongs to cynics. Whenever I've tried to display more than necessary share of optimism I have come across dirty looks of people. Basically, it's a trap and the people trapped in it will not allow another person to get out of it. After all, it is an attack on their beliefs and if optimism succeeds, how is pessimism going to survive? I guess in all of us there is an innate desire for being approved by others. From here, stems the chain that binds us to rules, rituals, religion, state, nations without anyone of us realising that such big terms and names came before us. Eventually structures become more important than being a human being.

Let's find out how this chain works? If we examine, all of us however empowered we look by our dressing, education or by our earning potential are not at all empowered in the true sense. Because there exists an invisible remote which is being wielded by others, name it--friends, family, spouse, boss, neighbour, fellow commuter on the road, or anyone who can piss us off by a smirk, an unkind statement or just by showing cold shoulder to us. We react in two ways--Either you're annoyed and express it on those who have done nothing to annoy you, or you sulk (if you're like me). Rarely there is someone who wears an invisible rain coat and allows such deprecating moments to slide off. I have myself felt that I cringe for having conversation with my husband when we are at home. Normally, he will throw monosylablles in my direction and watch TV (an euphemism for spending mindless hours) I feel that he pays more attention to TV than to me. In a way, he weilds the remote to my happiness. I urge all of us to get our remotes back, because if everyone else knows the key to make us happy other than we, our pursuit of happiness will be an eternal struggle.

And happiness is our intrinsic nature. When I look at Khushei, I see most of the times, a giggle suppressed. She can laugh for no reason and when you ask her, why you're being so happy, she says, " Because I am Khushei" Isn't she right? That's how all of us should be Happy. But being happy in a civilised society is not so easy. There are clauses attached to it--increments, better salary, bigger house, more loving spouse, designer wardrobe, fancy shoes, media coverage and then only happiness can be attained. But, when I look at people who have amassed more material wealth than I have most of the times they don't look happy. Then it implies that happiness can evade you all the time. And the pursuit of happiness becomes an endless trail. If we remember childhood, it was such a happy time because whatever we did we were happy doing it.

A thing called life

Life ebbs and flows and with it changes our moods. Sometimes you feel jubiliant and on other days you're sad and depressed. However, with time you learn to hide your feelings. Some people do that very easily and do it very well. Mrigya was one of those. Barely five feet she had learned the airs rich women would give all the time, but for the fact that she wasn't rich. But, she knew how to hide her feelings because that had to be done, if you had to live. Life itself acts bitchy at times, and to live well, you got to learn the tricks of the trade, confessed she, in her mind, poring over her computer screen. Yes, she needed money and that was the reason she was working like everyone else around. But, you lose that thing called prestige, if you admit to the fact, that you need money. You have to pretend that you're working just to keep yourself busy and that's what she did. She knew that women indulged in gossip behind her back. Shristi chipped in, Isn't gossip good for health? After all, we did a story on it. Yeah! agreed Paloma, giving those furtive glances. Paloma never looked straight, because in her heart she felt that she wasn't smart enough. That's a different story altogether that she was not smart, she was too smart to scare her competitors. But, who would make her believe this? She never felt it was right to assert and was always look out on an opportunity to satiate others.

A promise is a promise

I haven't written on the blog for quite a while now and the excuse is simple--I had been busy. I always believed that parenting is like learning on the job. No amount of advice from wellwishers, parents and books can help you learn parenting. Each child is differnt hence there can't be a neat and clean model for parenting. And, now the story unfolds--

While Khushei was growing up, we got her a piggy back to encourage her save money, so that she learns to value the virtue of being thrifty, which has almost evaporated these days. While I am talking of piggy bank, this reminds me an interersting anecdote. I know I am jumping but this is too interesting to not share. Once both my girls--Khushei, Kirty and their friends swerved their bikes on the main road and I happened to see them. When I scolded them, they said, There was a pig on the road and we didn't want to catch swine flu. Talk about being informed. Now getting back to my earlier story---

The husband in one of his good moods promised her that when she accumulates substantial amount he will contribute the same amount and double it. Last Saturday, was the day to do that and now Khushei has Rs 3640 in her piggy bank. No doubt, she is rich, but we hear her talking a lot about money and at times wonder, if we have introduced her to the world of adults where money becomes more important than a whole lot of other things.

I was discussing this with the husband and he says, A promise is a promise. I had promised Khushei and if I wouldn't fulfil this she would have stopped believing in promises. Yes, promises are meant to be kept, I couldn't agree more.

Finding confidence

It has taken a hell lot of courage for me to accept this. Yes, I always feel that I am inferior to others. How and when this concept took root in me, I just can't pin point that, but there is an inner voice in me, which loves to be harsh with me. Whenever, I err or do something wrong, that voice chastises me more than necessary. I keep brooding over it for days and keep reinforcing the fact that I am inept and do not deserve what I have.

Whenever I become an observer and try to assess myself, I feel that I am extremely talented, am pretty good at what I do and whenever I've interacted with people for professional or personal reasons, more than enough number of times, I have come across people who remember me and for right reasons. My children adore me, my husband loves me, I'm appreciated at work, I get timely increments, I do my job with utmost honesty, I am sincere in duties towards my elders, but still that inner voice in me keeps me comparing with others and tries to ridicule my abilities.

Enough is enough, of late I have learned a new way to subvert that inner voice. Whenever, it tries to be nasty with me and becomes a mean critic, I become an observer to the situation. The situation can be as simple as--forgetting to pay the bill on time, getting stuck in a traffic jam, denting the car while reversing, scampering to meet the deadline and in all these situations I say a magic mantra to myself. Had Khushei been stuck in a similar situation and had been upset what would I say to her? Khushei is my elder daughter who has just turned nine. I would have said her, " Don't be upset over it, you did your best and anyway it's too trivial to be upset with."

With this mantra I have discovered that my doubting self gives way to a loving self that's ready to accept flaws. I am still struggling with it, but at least I have the courage to accept it.

KIRTY LEARNED TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

We all have heard this poem, but how many of us know it beyond the usual four lines. My six-year-old Kirty does and the poem is pretty long. Let's jot it down--

Twinkle Twinkle Little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

When the blazing sun has gone

When there nothing shines upon

Then you show your little light

Twinkle twinkle all the night

Then the traveller in the dark

Thanks you for your tiny spark

He don't know which way to go

If you didn't twinkle so

In the dark blue sky you keep

And often through my curtains peep

You never shut your eye

Till the sun is in the sky

As your bright and tiny spark

Lights the traveller in the dark

Though I know not what you are -

Twinkle, twinkle little star.

Follow your instincts

Sometimes we tend to be angry with life when things don't go the way we planned. Like if a bank loan gets rejected and you've been coveting that property for long or you go for an interview and you're told that you won't be hired, but such is life that it has the uncanny habit of disguising blessings. I firmly believe in signs and signals, if something has to happen it happpens without trying much and if too many hiccups come your way it's a sign from the universe that the object of your desire is not in tune with universe.

There are two contrasting philosophies to this: one that says you got to try hard to get success and another which says that success comes with intent. I believe in the latter. Ultimately, you have to rely on the intelligence of universe because it's far more intelligent than you or I can think of. We think in terms of short term goals and gains but universe functions on a different platform.

Ultimately, I have seen that patience is one of the most desired attributes in anyone, but it's getting rarer and lesser in each of us. With ads announcing that Impatience is the new generation, who has the time and talent for patience, but patience works eventually.

Tell me can you bring a child on earth in less than nine months, and if you would do that the outcome would be fraught with dangerous results. Patience and perseverance pays and they yield results with rewards.

Finding God in Everyday Life

Somehow, I feel that God has been made a complex and complicated being, who has a super ego and who can be reached through elaborate rituals that have to be done just the right way. I always wonder if God is for us how could he alienate himself so much from us. What made him so big and so far from us who has to be accessed through pilgrimages, fastings and elaborate rituals. It's not that I don't observe rituals, but I try to keep them as simple as I can, because ultimately God is there for us and he appreciates my condition more than anyone else.

Whenever I see my girls laughing and playing I could hear the laughter of God in their smiles. When I held them for the first time, I felt I was somewhat near to God, because I created a life. And the task of bringing up children has humbled me. Each time I say them something or do something, which I ought not be doing I realise that by my actions I am shaping their world, their impressions about life which they will carry always.

I always felt that a little bit of God is there in all of us and when we do a kind act we feed that God which is there in us. That kind act can manifest in a whole lot of ways: saying a kind word, offering food to your part time help, knowing what's happening in the life of your presswala, sharing a smile with street children and at times praying for someone who desperately needs a good wish.

Many a time when I see the disparity of life I get very upset. When I see that a young girl has to bathe on a street tap I feel her basic right to privacy while having ablutions is being violated, and at that moment I send a tiny prayer to my God to uplift her conditions. I have learned that when I can't help someone at least I should pray for her condition.

Home Remedies

Ayurveda always belonged to India, so much so that we seemed to coexist with it, without realising its existence. No wonder, whenever someone in the family was running under the weather grand ma would concoct a recipe in the kitchen to soothe sore throat and shorten the nasty cold. We called it tulsi ka kadha which was served with love. West rediscovered what has always been our property and renamed it Alternate Therapy. Today, I thought let's go back to the grandma's recipe and fish out some concoctions which will help us boost our immunity.

1. Chew on few tulsi leaves every morning on an empty stomach.


2. When cold bug is doing rounds, spike your drinking water with lemon juice and sip on it. Not only will you get much needed vitamin C but lemon water also neutralises the acidic environment of your body and bacteria and viruses need acidic atmosphere to thrive.


3. To soothe a sore throat you can boil cinammon sticks in water and gargle with that.


4. Try having some adrak ki chai for a sore throat too, it works.


5. Garlic works wonders for your immune system. Chew on fresh cloves in the morning, if you can and if you can't you can try garlic capsules.


6. There is a herb called echinacea that promises to enhance your immunity. You can try it too.


7. Do not forget the healing attributes of chicken soup and if you are a vegetarian like me, you should make do with clear veg soup.

Lesson Learned

(Khushei made this card for me when I wasn't well and look at the number of animals in it)

Such is life that our work decides everything that we do: when should we marry, where should we live, when should you sleep and when should you party? Essentially, all the details that we dismiss as trivial flow from a single thing called work. While running late for work and rushing home late from work, we don't find time to think and introspect on the journey called life and its purpose. Life revels in small details, usually ignored but very important all the same. Some of these details are---having dinner with family, cheering for your children when they need you, attending PTMs, meeting parents, catching up with friends, having a romantic date with your spouse. Usually, I am meticulous that I maintain work-life balance, but sometimes, I err too. Yes, it's a dent on my confidence, but I did err today when I couldn't schedule time to go an attend Khushei Presentation in the school. The little girl was busy making her presentation for the last three-four days.

As compared to me whose Power Point skills are just enough to survive, Khushei makes wonderful presentations for her age. We were not even allowed to have a glimpse of her presentation, and it was to be showed in the school today at 9 am.

Now, on a Friday morning going to school at 9 am is not such a simple task. This means you will be late for work or you got to take half day off. Somehow, both of us, I and Alok thought that we should do away with the presentation part, because it sounded inconvenient.

Whole day I waited for Khushei's phone from the school, when she didn't call, I thought that she did understand my difficulties but in the evening when she called, she was livid and I was ashamed of myself.

I realised that one of the jobs as a parent is to be there to cheer your children and to bolster their confidence.

Crazy Schools

I haven't been keeping well for the past few days. No need to worry and am not down with swine flu, but yes a flu like condition and the past week had been crazy and chaotic to say the least. In fact, it would be better if you could toss the two together and add a bit of mindboggling as well. Khushei was supposed to participate in a school elcotution contest, which was an inter-school competition and this girl was supposed to write a poem, learn it with expression in two days flat. And, mind you the poem should have a dash of humour in it, it should be long enough to be recited for two and half minutes. I just don't understand what these upmarket schools are trying to do. As usual, mom has to step in and we jot down a poem on Water

Drops of water

Pure and natural

Will quench your thirst

Reach for the bottle

My home is up in the clouds

But I also live in rocks

When clouds get angry

I am about to get a shock

When I touch the leaves

They dance with me

Kids jump in the puddle

But grownups escape for me

I flood the roads

I drown the rivers

When my job is done

I run to the ocean

When out from spring

I taste as sweet as sugar

When out from ocean

I taste so bitter

I create lives

Wherever I go

But I'm so precious

And this you must know

Want to know the result of the Elocution contest, Khushei didn't win because she forgot the lines, but we are happy that she participated.

Bye bye till the next time

What does freedom mean to me

This was the subject on which Khushei had to write on today in the school. Telling a nine year old what does freedom mean to her is difficult. For her freedom means the ability to do anything that she loves to do, but that's not freedom. Most of us would like to enjoy the freedom in the same way, but is that right? No, it's not, but what does freedom mean after all? I and she struggled to find answers, I going on and on on responsibility that comes with freedom. Khushei gave me a long face as long as the word responsibility is. And, I knew that I wasn't successful in explaining to her the meaning of that. Then I took her few months back when she had set free her birds Lucky and Mary. Only Khushei knew who was Lucky and who was Mary? Since, we couldn't get a dog because it demanded greater dedication than keeping a bird, we got home a pair of Love Birds. They were very much in love and their antics delighted us. One was naughty and another was shy. Till this date who was boy and who was girl is a mystery to me. Almost for a year they stayed with us and on their first birthday, the day when we got them we decided to free them in the sky. It was a painful decision for us, because we were attached to the birds, especially for Khushei, but it was good for the birds. And Khushei released both the birds. She was visibly upset after that, because she was too attached to them. She had painted and decorated their cage. We even got them a bigger cage and I would lovingly joke that in the whole of India these two Love birds have the biggest cage possible. This was the time when my husband was house hunting and was keen to buy a bigger property. Though, we haven't till this date, I would always say that Lucky Mary got a bigger house.

I hope and pray Lucky Mary stay safe and fly as much as they wish for ever. And, I get in some way Khushei realised the meaning of freedom.

CONFESSIONS OF A MOM

Let me begin by admitting a fact. I am new to blogging. Not that I haven't tried this, but I lack the discipline to jot down my thoughts on the blog. I have tried writing diaries too, but then like most of us I tend to be lazy, but I do admire the dedication of people who have the patience and perseverance to jot down details of their lives.

Last night my elder daughter Khushei was apologetic to me for not doing well in Hindi. The girl is only nine years old and I think, most children of her age tend to be not that good in Hindi. But, she was apologetic. Whenever, she doesn't score well, she comes to me and apologises, but not her dad. And, this comes to my mind, as I write this that she never apologises to her dad. May be she feels that she has let me down, or just may be I have been too harsh on her.

Let me retrospect, when I was growing up, my dad had put a whole lot of expectations on us and we had to perform just to save our lives. No he wasn't a tyrant, he wouldn't utter a single harsh word, but he would hang his head as if something massive has gone wrong and we have failed him hugely. I think in some ways I am also doing the same. May be I am just behaving like my dad.

Khushei is a joy to be. In fact, all children are, but she is an old soul, who is very kind hearted and much mature for her age. I should let her be just as a child and see how she blossoms. Having Khushei was the best thing that could happen to our lives, this doesn't mean that she doesn't have a sibling. We have two girls andn they always ask me whom do I love more? The younger one has become diplomatic now, though she is only of six. Whenever, I ask her, whom do you love more, she tells me BOTH of you. And she screams this anwer at the top of her lungs. But, if I am asked I love Khushei just a wee bit more thant Kirty, may be moms have a special affection for their first borns.

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